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Jestival Tour Diary by Michéal

Friday:

9AM: Micheal wakes up, unemployed and hungover. Donall and Micheal then head into town on a shopping trip. First stop, Hickeys, where Donall shows his vaginal side by guiding Micheal around the shop. One short trip for fabric paint and brushes later and we’re kitted out with Ninja headbands.

1PM: Donall is late for his flight so he heads off with Trinity.

3PM: “How much for the child” (Child) Headbands are complete. Home brew is consumed.

7PM: Rob Macken forgets his sleeping bag. Col drives him back to the house to get it, resulting in narky behaviour. More home brew consumed.

9PM: Captain Drinking Binge are in the Duty Free. Seamus tries to check in only to be told that the flight he’s trying to get on departed two weeks ago. He goes off to get tickets for the current flight but books the return flight for Monday instead of Sunday. One attempt later and he finally gets it right, though a little lighter in the wallet as a result.

9:30PM: Politically incorrect Japanese headbands are distributed, a large population of Asian travellers are insulted as a result, much to the delight of the Binge.

10:30PM: Delayed by Ryanair as usual, Captain Drinking Binge are once again told to “Pay Attention” by a Trolley Dolly, while taking the piss of the 20 spelling mistakes on the Ryanair “Crap for Sale” sheet. “Cocolate”, for fucks sake.

11:30PM: One weak and overpriced drink later The Binge are in Nottingham. Taxis are ordered and then Jesters are found beside the ATM, waiting to give us lifts to the party. Sweet.

Midnight: The Binge finally arrive at the party, much to the delight of absolutely everybody. Four Pint pitchers and Tequila’s all round, Francesca party fouls and gives in to the unrelenting pressure, downs her drink and then promises to play for CDB for the weekend. Jiggles sees trinity dressed as the French and gets The Wets.

1AM: The party moves down the road to “The Donkey”, probably named after its owner. On the way, Micheal and Adriano sample the local Foliage, it was thorny. Leicester Jesters delight in seeing Adriano in considerable pain.

Drinks are ordered and Very Drunk Andrea discovers an elephant sized bag of peanuts. Most people then discover peanuts in their drinks. The drinking game “Next” is started, and the party continues.

3AM: The peanuts that are not part of the carpet are confiscated and everyone is asked politely to get out. In the confusion, some people forget that, though they bought the drink, the glass does not come with it.

3:01AM: Some dickhead starts shouting at us out a window, and is told politely to fuck off.

3:03AM: The same dickhead comes down half naked and violently takes everyone’s drink, glass and all. Donall and Rob Macken decide, against their better judgement to give him a piece of their mind, but are subdued by the less stupid members of The Binge.

4AM: The party continues in Adriano’s, where we are introduced to Ad’s girlfriend, her hot friend, and the local Pizza.

4:15AM: Donall sponges the bed.

5AM: Adriano is last seen sprinting up the street after his girlfriend.

Saturday:

7AM: The Binge awaken. Cue hangovers and farting. A taxi to the pitches and Francesca is discovered in a Jesters jersey, revealing her to be a liar.

9:30AM: The first game begins against Reservoir Discs. After a rough start, due in part to hangovers and toilet visits, CDB win.

10:30AM: Another game straight away against Warwick Bears. The Binge are warmed up and start well, securing the win comfortably.

11:30AM: A well deserved break.

12:30AM: Game against Jesters, which we win. During the game Micheal discovers that Jo is around to see the Binge, and subsequently sits out for a few points. After being accused of laying groundwork, “Dink”. To avoid explaining the concept of “Groundwork” he returns to the game. AH SHIT, just lost The Game.

1:30PM: Game against Mental Discs. We win again.

2:30PM: Team of lazy sponges send Micheal, Seamus and Duffman to the “Biggest Sainsburys in Britain”, apparently. It’s pretty damn big. Ice cream, Beer, Whiskey and Food are purchased. Ice is also purchased, as Seamus decides that it’s a good idea, “Incase anyone gets an Injury”. Famous Last Words.

3:30PM: Game against Ovathrow. First point goes to Ovathrow, unsettling The Binge. The next point is littered with turnovers, and The Binge eventually take the score. CDB put on a Zone, Final Score: Ovathrow 1, CDB 10. During the game Seamus does in his ankle, and sits out the rest of the game with his ice and a beer.

4:30PM: We drink. Trinity sponge beer and ice cream off CDB, offering nothing in return. Typically French.

5:30PM: We return to Adriano’s, where Jiggles and Ciara claim that they should be allowed shower first because the will take longer to get ready. They are then reminded that the party is fancy dress. After a combination of napping and showering CDB start making their team costumes. Ten sweaty smelly people are seen entering the house, and Ten Ninja’s are not seen leaving dressed in Blonde’s black garden centre material, stapled together like a real man would, complete with black makeup, chopsticks, headbands and throwing stars.

8PM: After a stealthy entry to “The Donkey”, The Binge are greeted with a round of applause, probably because Jiggles’ ass is showing. Drinks are bought and a place in the queue established.

9PM: Still waiting, still hungry. Trinity players are observed in great detail, to ensure the quality of their “French Maid” costumes. Pity about the hairy armpits.

9:30PM: We reach the head of the queue. Tandoori chicken and unidentified meat are received with thanks. We sit and eat. Donall is tricked into complaining about the non-spicy food. Finola bends over.

10PM: Decision is made on the Blonde Warwick Bears girl. You Would.

10:15PM: Singing ensues on the bus journey to the party, Leicester natives are entertained by the blowjob line in “I used to work in Chicago”. Other hits include “A girl from Montreal” “The Rathlin Bog” and “Bohemian Rhapsody

” 10:30PM: Captain Drinking Ninja’s make their way stealthily to the club, interacting with the locals along the way. Leicester are pleased to have such a great bunch of people in their midst. The running makes us warm.

11PM: The Ninja’s slip into the club unnoticed and order Corona’s. We disappear behind the bar to confuse the barmaid, but apparently she’s some sort of Ninja herself and figures out where we’ve gone.

11:10PM: Most of the Ninja’s have removed their clothes and are now wearing just black material tops, as the temperature in the Club is easily above a million degrees.

11:30PM: Cian starts laying groundwork.

Midnight: Col spends a while naked in the bathroom to cool down. Blonde is also in the bathroom and identifies a “Monaghan accent Vomiting”. Accurate as always, he discovers Micheal checking out how much of the BBQ he managed to digest in three hours.

12:30AM: The music is terrible.

1AM: Rob Macken starts a conversation with three girls, realises that they’re boring and tries to fob them off on Micheal and Col. He then gives up and just leaves.

1:30AM: The idiot DJ sings along with Mustang Sally.

1:31AM: Finger dancing has taken hold.

1:45AM: Seamus decides that now would be a good time to sit down and have a nap with his eyes open. Unfortunately, he chooses the spot in the club where the two gay men are mincing about.

2AM: Toilet goers are accosted by the Ninja might of Col, Donall and Micheal. The trio then join Seamus in the corner, which offers a good view of the continuing finger dancing.

2:05AM: Gay guy continually tries to pick up Micheal.

2:15AM: Gay guy moves on to Col.

2:25AM: Gay guy moves on to Donall. The bible is against Homosexuality, but on the other hand, God loves a trier.

2:30AM: Cian finally gives up. Good effort though.

2:45AM: The music is still terrible. Some CDB players and some Warwick players acquire glow sticks. The foul tasting but glowing insides are chewed and spat out. Glowing spitballs are marvelled at. The remaining glowy stuff is thrown about.

3AM: Some bingers have fallen asleep and are once again being accosted by a queer. Let a man sleep.

3:30AM: Finally the DJ shuts the hell up. Ninja’s spill out onto the streets and are not seen by taxi’s. Eventually Jiggles gets us a taxi home and we wait outside the door for about 15 minutes. As the Jesters arrive, some guy who was in the house all along lets us in.

4:AM: The remaining pizza is eaten. People sleep where they fall, safe in the knowledge that due to winning all of the days games, we get to sleep in until about eleven.

Sunday:

10AM: The Binge get up and relax for a little while. No rush.

12PM: CDB are at the field. Layout practice takes place on the Bouncy Castle.

12:30PM: Battered, bruised, hungover, wrecked and sore, CDB take to the field for the Semi against Trinners. After trading points at the start, CDB whip out the zone that they’d practised all weekend and took the lead. Trinity started their comeback in the point cap, but The Binge put another away to secure the win.

1:30PM: Binge delight in the fact that they’ve made their first final.

3PM: Warm up begins for the final. CDB start with a bowing drill, followed by some finger dancing. Finally, a Ninja class specialising in opening a beer to drink during the final entertains the masses and The Binge ensure that the crows is on their side. Another round of applause and the Final begins. Captain Drinking Binge take the early lead, going two points up. Points are traded until 4 – 4, and then Thundercats shit-hotness comes through with some massive layout D’s and some damn clever poaching, showing that there’s no substitute for being wise. In the second last point Col gets a huge layout blade catch and then stupidly decides to stay on for the next one. We decide that a huck is in order, and the disc is sent up between Col and Beavan. While in the air, the guys clash and Col ends up upside down with all his weight on his wrist.

Everyone hears a snap, and Col is left with extra joints. He is seen to by a pretty blonde girl as the final continues, but Thundercats finish it off there.

The ambulance arrives and another pretty blonde girl whisks Col away. He gets loaded on Nitrous, Codeine and Morphine and wont share, the bastard. Turns out he’s completely shattered one of his wrist bones. Back to tournaments page